


To be free

by Buttros



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adventure, Angst, Complete, Fluff, Getting Together, Harvard, M/M, Quest, SO MUCH FLUFF, livenmere, no spoilers for cdth, post trk, ronan's mind is weird, slow built, they didn't get together on TRK
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:42:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21667633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buttros/pseuds/Buttros
Summary: What happens after you defeat the bad guy? Well, If you’re Ronan Lynch you end up alone, in a town that reminds you of the straight boy you can’t help but pine for, in a home that stopped felling like a home a long time ago. Even if Boston and the new cabeswater, lindenmere, felt like the stuff of dreams - a new beginning - Ronan was slowly realizing that they could also be a nightmare.Now it demanded that three objects were procured: gold, earth and the magician. In the words of Adam Parrish, ‘‘I guess... we are going on an adventure’’
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 6
Kudos: 63





	1. Lindenmere

**Author's Note:**

> There are no spoilers for Call Down the Hawk!

Is it possible to have sleep paralysis in your dreams? To be unable to wander the great depts of one’s consciousness, yet still be aware of your sleeping mind? Helplessly look and hear and feel, whilst your members are set like stone? 

There were no vines or ropes curling at his wrists and ankles, but Ronan’s body heavily laid on a hard and unpleasant surface. _Lindenmere, faciat quietem_ , Ronan thought, - _into a dream_ \- but asking aid from the main source of Ronan’s problems might have been a mistake. It was too bright to properly take in his surroundings, too hot for comfort, but the warmth was slowly moving towards his belly, and the unpleasantness of his circumstances took a whole new meaning. 

It wasn’t that Ronan felt anxious. Anxiety was like drowning on air, or even falling up from solid ground. Gravity still worked, and his lungs were fine. This was different. He felt like he was burning from the inside out. 

Lindenmere was more than cabeswater in the sense that it was demanding. Needy. If cabeswater could exist for years without Ronan realizing that he’d dreamt it, lindenmere made sure to be heard. It increased the greywaren’s control over the things he brought into existence, most of the time, but was unstable in its power, begging for things that Ronan could bearably understand. 

‘‘Maybe because you dreamt it in a different point of the ley line? The location could have something to do with it’’ Gansey had suggested one day, moths before, amused as vines from lindenmere’s trees grazed his hair. Blue and Henry had checked out of the conversation, too relaxed in a moss chair magically made for them to care. Ronan had looked at Adam, only to find the boy being showered by pink flowers, a bemused look on his face. 

As it were, lindenmere was 8 months old, with trees and rocks and ponds and mounts and fields that went on and on – 500 square feet from above or from its sides, but infinite when you were inside of it. It had a variety of flowers and wild life that cabeswater never had. 

‘‘It’s almost... suffocating’’ Adam had whispered, awed, the morning after lindenmere came to be, ‘‘like being in outer space’’. His back had been against a thick tree, his face illuminated by a ray of sunlight barely contained by lilac leaves from up above, as his eyes gazed at magic. 

Ronan had nodded – unable to do much else – at the time, but now he had to disagree. Outer space was quiet, whilst lindenmere had been shrieking in Ronan’s head for the past three months. Maybe that’s do be expected from a magical forest dreamt into existence by an angry and impulsive teenage boy, but Ronan was losing his goddam shit. 

‘‘I’m losing my goddam shit’’ Ronan announced, just as he barged through the door of Adam’s dorm room. Said Harvard boy gazed up from his book, surprise evidenced by the raise of his eyebrows, but a soft smile was slowing forming on his lips. 

(Ronan had woken up sweaty and disgusting. He shouted at the forest for a good ten minutes, before realizing that the trees were laughing at him. He kicked some of them on his way to the car, every curse known to men falling from his lips as he took the speeding limit as a personal challenge, and within a few minutes he saw the university’s buildings coming into focus) 

‘‘Where is the last place you saw it?’’ 

‘‘Wher- what?’’ Ronan frowned. He suddenly realized he was pacing and stopped, his body painfully stiff. 

Adam frowned as well, looking very serious, ‘‘You said you were losing your goddam shit. Where was the last place you saw it?’’ 

Ronan rolled his eyes, ‘‘Har-har’’, he resumed his pacing. ‘‘This fucking forest is screwing with me. I swear. It’s... it’s like a child. Like a spoiled pubescent teenager’’ 

‘‘Mmhmm’’ Adam’s eyes were back on his book. 

‘‘I mean it! It’s been changing the shit that I bring back. Last week I wanted a couch... I was seating in it and everything. But I woke up in a bed’’ 

Adam still wasn’t looking at him, but his lips trembled, ‘‘How dare they’’, he mumbled. 

Ronan scoffed, exasperated, ‘‘It... it moved barn 2.0’’ 

Adam looked up at that, worry written on his face. 

‘‘But only a few feet... just to fuck with me’’, to which Adam responded by rolling his eyes. Ronan’s heart squeezed in his chest and he realized, very suddenly, that he needed Adam to understand. ‘‘ _Timere_ ’’ he said, quietly and - if he was being honest - mostly hoping that his friend wouldn’t hear it. 

But he heard it – or he sensed the change in the air – because he sat up and placed his book on his desk, not even bothering to mark the page. He regarded Ronan for a moment before patting the space on the bed beside him. The stiffness on Ronan’s body suddenly reminded him of his dream. And he went. 

‘‘Maybe the grounds had been an indigenous cemetery once’’ Ronan attempted to sound light, but his voice was too quiet for that. His throat was suddenly dry and his eyes burned uncomfortably. 

‘‘They weren’t’’ Adam said, gently, the hand that rested besides Ronan’s reached slowly to intertwine their pinkies, and the world stopped for a few seconds. ‘‘Gansey and Malory went all history channel and researched every square inch of the place before you bought it. Maura and Calla made sure it was safe’’, his lips twitched, ‘‘I even called a priest to perform a vaccine exorcism’’ 

Ronan had to laugh, ‘‘Vaccine exorcism?’’ 

‘‘Yep’’ 

‘‘Is that why-?’’ 

‘‘That’s a horrible joke and I won’t even let you finish it’’ 

Ronan pursed his lips, ‘‘Sorry’’ 

Adam shook his head, his smile betraying his amusement, and sighed. ‘‘What has lindenmere been saying to you?’’ 

Ronan was finally allowed to look away, ‘‘I don’t know. It’s like a thousand voices at once yelling at you. I can’t make sense of anything’’ 

Adam sounded surprised, ‘‘Is it like that all the time?’’ 

Ronan shrugged, ‘‘Kinda’’ he turned his face towards the sun, ‘‘not right now’’ 

Adam met his eyes. Ronan prayed for a lot of things at that moment. He prayed that Adam wouldn’t ask for how long lindenmere had been acting up. He prayed that Adam would move his finger from his, and he prayed that he never did. He prayed that he wouldn’t have to go back to Henrietta, and he prayed to be safe and sound in his father’s home. He prayed that Adam couldn’t see all of his confusion in his eyes. But most of all, he prayed because that was the purest act of worship. 

‘‘Here’s what we’re gonna do’’ Adam cleared his throat. His cheeks were pink and Ronan remembered his dream. ‘‘You and I are gonna go back to lindenmere and try to diagnose what it wants. I was with you when you dreamt it, for Christ's sake, and I was the magician’’ he offered Ronan a smile, ‘‘we’re gonna figure this out’’ 

‘‘We can still bring Gansey here and kill him... Destroy lindenmere to bring him back’’ 

Adam seemed to pause to consider it, ‘‘A valid option’’, but his lips twitched and he rose from the bed, pulling his scarf around his neck, ‘‘But let’s try my way first’’. In the land of dreams and dreamers, sometimes the sun would move from North to South, landing on this magical forest that Ronan had spent nearly three years crafting in his mind. 

What happens to the heroes after the book ends? After they defeat the bad guy? Well, if you’re Gansey or Blue or Henry you travel the world in the search of magic. If you’re Adam, you go to Harvard and fight for the right to be who you want to be and make everyone that loves you so goddam proud. If you’re Ronan, however, you end up alone, in a town that reminds you of the straight boy you can’t help but pine for, in a home that stopped felling like a home a long time ago. He longed for cabeswater, before he realized that something else ought to come out instead. 

It had been the 25th of April when Ronan dreamt of Boston, and once an idea wiggles itself inside your head, it’s impossible to get it out. 

‘‘Ronan Lynch, actually calling someone? With a phone?’’ Adam’s laugh had been distorted, but undeniably happy, ‘‘Who died?’’ 

‘‘Listen up, dork. I know you’re busy, or whatever, so I’ll be quick. The more I think about the new cabeswater the more I know that it can’t be here, in Henrietta. It wants to move on. It has to. And I don’t want to stay here. It fucking sucks. It sucks balls, Parrish. I fucking hate it. And I want to go to Boston. Which is where you are. And I know you have your friends and your life, or whatever, but it’s not like we will see each other all the time. It’s, like, a big city. So yeah. I want to see if I can’’ 

Ronan took exactly one breath during that entire speech. 

‘‘Would it bothe- I mean. Do you think I can?’’ 

Adam had been quiet for so long that Ronan's eyes began to hurt. 

Finally, in the softest voice Ronan had ever heard, Adam whispered, ‘‘I want it too much’’ 

Adam and lindenmere, lindenmere and Adam. Ronan hated how much the other boy belonged in his deepest dreams. While Ronan had to claw and kick his way inside, lindenmere would make a yellow brick road for Adam. 

‘‘Don’t let it go over your head. It does this with all the Harvard guys I bring here’’ Ronan had scoffed, successfully hiding his blush, the first time it happened, and Adam nearly burst a gut in hysterics. He ran towards the denseness of trees, his breathy laughter echoing as if despite himself. 

This time Adam stopped at the edge and waited for him, looking over his shoulder with a smile, and together they ventured inside. 

‘‘Hear anything?’’ 

‘‘No. You?’’ 

Adam shook his head, but then ‘‘Yes’’ 

Ronan stopped, ‘‘Are they screaming?’’ 

Adam continued walking, only backwards, ‘‘No’’ his smile was soft and, Ronan came to realize, secretive. He was not going to elaborate on what he was hearing. Ronan was about to complain when Adam gracefully sat, his back resting against a tree, his expression a little more serious. ‘‘Come on’’ 

Stiff. Hot. Ronan remembered his dream. ‘‘I’m calling Gansey right now’’ 

Adam just smiled, ‘‘Come on’’ 

Ronan walked and sat, crossed legged, in front of Adam, mirroring him. He remembered his dream. 

‘‘I think it works better if we hold hands... like a reading from a psychic, you know?’’ 

Ronan remembered his dream. 

‘‘Alright’’ Adam took a deep breath, ‘‘do you hear anything?’’ 

_My own heart beat?_ , Ronan’s mind supplied. He shook his head. But then, ‘‘Yes’’ 

Ronan raised his eyebrows for a moment before he closed his eyes, trying to focus. It was faint, soft, like a whisper in the wind. 

‘‘ _Missio?_ ’’ 

Adam frowned, confused, like he wasn’t expecting that, ‘‘What else?’’ 

‘‘ _Aurum, consistorum, magus_ ’’ Ronan whispered, ‘‘ _et invenietis illos in libero_ ’’ 

‘‘To be free’’ Adam repeated, as his frown grew deeper. 

‘‘Alright, well, I found the magician’’ Ronan said to the open glade. He bumped Adam’s nose with a finger to drive home the fact. ‘‘Now I need to find gold and the... earth?’’ 

Adam sighed, shaking his head, and folded his hands on his lap. He regarded the tress around them for some time before shaking his head again, a smile slowly growing on his face, ‘‘I guess... we are going on an adventure’’


	2. Egeo

New Year’s Eve has never held much of an emotional significance to Ronan. His family had never celebrated, safe from a few songs that Mathew would perform to them – completely out of tune, but with so much joy that the rest of them couldn’t help but smile. The youngest Lynch hadn’t sung in years, though, so the last memorable thing that happened was Calla and Maura showing up at the Barns, unannounced, to bake him a cheesecake. 

(Declan had forbitten Ronan from travelling without him; Gansey, Blue and Henry were on the other side of the world; and Adam couldn’t afford the ticket back to Henrietta) 

As he ate the cake, idly listening to the utter nonsense the two women were arguing about, Ronan felt as much grateful as he felt embarrassed. 

This year, though, all the members of the gang were staying at the Barns. Barns 2.0. In the shithole that was lindenmere. 

‘‘A magnificent piece of architecture, it evokes warmth and antiquity just as it emotes modernity. A great mix of wood and glass. Small enough to feel welcoming to all, but big enough to actually house them. Two bedrooms and an open living room, a tree right in its middle’’ Henry had said, jokingly pompous, as he presented the blueprint of the house Ronan was supposed to dream up. The dork had assigned himself the job to design it, and Ronan didn’t feel like he could fight him on that, even if he wanted to. 

At the time, he’d wanted lindenmere to be theirs just as much as it was his. 

At the _fucking_ time. 

‘‘You should have called me the moment you found out there was a quest!’’ Gansey cried - ( _yes, cried... like an exclamation but also like a baby_ ). As if that even fucking maters. As if any of this fucking charade of a friendship even mattered. Ronan met Adam’s eyes, despite himself, but he looked away just as he realized that Adam was smirking. 

_What did lindenmere tell you?_ Ronan wanted to ask. _Are you mocking me?_ Lindenmere had been shrieking in his ears for the past two weeks, ever since they wandered aimlessly though the forest looking for clues and came out empty. Adam had just sported a knowing smile and told him to have patience. _Did lindenmere tell you how much it hurts, Adam Parrish? Are you fucking mocking me?_ A high pitch whine assaulted Ronan’s right ear, and he shook his head to try and clear it. 

Blue snorted, unaware what was going on inside Ronan’s mind - or maybe all too aware-, and leant back against Adam’s pillow. They were all squeezing on top of Adam’s bed. His bed in his dorm room, not his bed at the Barns. Not that Adam had a bed at the Barns. It was a guest bed. For any guest.

‘‘Has Boston been treating you well, snake?’’ she asked, and her smirk was too knowing for Ronan’s taste. 

Sometimes, when Ronan rolled his eyes, it’s just an excuse to look away. Does that make it dishonest, like lying without words? ‘‘I guess you could say I’m never bored’’ _If you consider lying awake for days in pain something entertaining._

‘‘It’s your turn, Gansey’’ Adam interjected, and there was something on his voice that made Ronan look up, only to find his searching eyes already on him. He was so worried he seemed almost angry. Bile surged up on Ronan’s throat. 

Gansey sighed, exasperated, ‘‘Never have I ever dreamt a magical forest into existence and then hid from my best friends that it was malfunctioning’’ 

_You don’t know the fucking half of it, dick the third_. But ‘‘Malfunction is a strong word’’ Ronan scoffed instead, downing his beer. 

‘‘Can I be honest? I’m just grateful to be a part of this’’ Cheng said, a little too loudly. He looked very drunk and very unaware of the current conversation. Something tugged on Ronan’s heart despite himself, but he just snorted. 

‘‘Sure thing, bud’’ Adam patted his back. His eyes met Ronan’s again with a frown, and Ronan decided that he hated Adam Parrish. 

‘‘Never have I ever had a crush on a teacher slash professor’’ Blue had a glint in her eye as she bumped on Adam’s leg over Gansey’s, and only he drank, shaking his head, glancing at Ronan again. _You’re loving this, aren’t you, you fucking fuck._

‘‘Never have I ever kissed someone to death’’ Ronan raised his eyebrows, aiming for a look of innocence. Blue didn’t waste a second. 

‘‘Aw... You’ll kiss someone someday, snaky, I promise’’ She smirked behind her glass, and Ronan fumed. He decided that he hated Blue Sargent too. The uncomfortable silence lasted only a beat, but it was enough to make Ronan want to go home. His real home. All the way in Virginia. 

‘‘Never have I ever loved someone with all my heart like I love you guys’’ Cheng kind of sobbed. Ronan hated Henry Cheng as well. There was enough hate to go around! Merry fucking Christmas. 

‘‘That’s a good place to end as any’’ Adam murmured, getting up from the bed, ‘‘We should go... the party is a good 30 minutes from here’’ 

‘‘Can we talk about lindenmere now?’’ Gansey asked. Not even his buzzed state hinged his concern. _Or maybe_ , Ronan mused, as the burning behind his eyes descended to his arms and legs, _it just fucking enhances it. Hate you too, buddy!_

‘‘It’s like a nagging, annoying and unwanted little sister’’ Ronan smiled, all teeth, and added innocently, ‘‘oh, the forest is kind of difficult to’’ 

Gansey's frown deepened, but Adam’s sigh cut off anything that he might have wanted to say. ‘‘We’ll deal with it tomorrow. Come on’’ 

As they exited the dorm, the only ones who seemed unfazed by Ronan’s mood were Blue and Henry. They walked side by side, arms intertwined as stories and jokes were told into the cold snowy air of Harvard University. 

Ronan followed behind and allowed himself, for the first time in hours, to close his eyes and silently beg lindenmere to be quiet. It only grew louder, however, along with his frustration and pain and hurt and a helplessness so profound that Ronan had the sudden, insane urge to laugh. _One at a time,_ he prayed the trees could hear him. _Please._

Gansey had often asked him if he remembered the unmaker. If he’d felt cabeswater vanishing from existence, every atom and molecule of his imagination being eaten and spat out, not even allowed creation’s biggest miracle of being transformed. Ronan had said no, and at the time it had been the truth, but one nightmare had been enough to prove that at least some part of him remembered. If the absence of light is darkness, and the absence of warmth is cold, being unmade was nothing at all. It wasn’t like falling out of love: it was forgetting that feeling love was even possible. It was as if a great friend intrinsic to who you are to your core had never existed. 

Maybe this is how the unmaking process started, though. Maybe you were expected to beg to be unmade. 

Something grazed his arm, and what was frizzing became scorching. 

‘‘Hey, asshole’’ 

Focusing on Adam’s red nose made the pain go away, only if for a second, and yet enough to make Ronan feel guilty and a little embarrassed for wanting something like this to go away. 

‘‘Who are you calling an asshole, dipshit’’ 

Adam rolled his eyes, glanced at his friends, as if waiting for them to be out of earshot, and pulled Ronan into a stop. ‘‘I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me’’ 

‘‘Who says I need help’’ 

Sigh, ‘‘You do. You’ve been acting like a toddler’’ 

‘‘Go fuck yourself, Parrish’’ 

Rolling his eyes, ‘‘Go fuck _your_ self, Lynch. And while you’re at it make sure to scream your feelings away and get it over with’’ 

Ronan felt like crying. He laughed instead, ‘‘That’s what lindenmere told you, wasn’t it? That I’m in need of a good fucking? You've been such a good friend, Adam Parrish, that I’m surprised you didn’t just volunteer out of pity’’ And _Fuck_ , he wished he hadn’t said that. 

Adam also looked shocked, ‘‘It didn’t... tell me anything’’ 

Now Ronan had to look away. This pain was fucking exhausting, ‘‘Right, of course it didn’t’’ 

‘‘It didn’t’’ 

‘‘Right’’ 

‘‘It _didn’t_ ’’ 

Ronan almost met his eyes. Almost. Turns out he was too chicken shit to do even that, ‘‘Wasn't there a party we need to go?’’ 

‘‘Ronan’’ 

‘‘Parrish’’ 

Adam sighed, exasperated, bringing his gloved hands up to his face, and Ronan remembered he didn’t have a bonnet. He took of his own and shoved it on Adam’s chest before turning around and following his friends. They had all stopped to look at them. 

‘‘I heard there was going to be alcohol?’’ He murmured to no one in particular as he passed them. 

You know what doesn’t help a week long headache? Loud music and horny pathetic college under graduates. Not a single person looked to be of the drinking age, and apparently all of them knew Adam. 

_‘‘Yo, thanks so much for the help with State Foundation, man! No one understands Hobbes like this guy!’’_

_‘‘Did you finish another college before this? You’ve got it so under control’’_

Adam had been blushing and nodding, unable to get a word out, but when his eyes met Ronan’s, a soft smile formed on his lips. Adam had caught him starring. Worse, he’d caught him gazing, awed, unbelievably proud like a goddam mother hen. 

‘‘You’re gonna beer me or what’’ He said, walking over to the corner of the frat house’s living room to lean his back against the wall. It never ceased to surprise Ronan when his friends followed him. 

_Egeo_ , came a whisper, strangely loud in its breathiness, and Ronan was washed with a new wave of pain. 

‘‘Dude, its nearly midnight’’ Blue said, from somewhere on Ronan’s right. 

_Egeo_. His head hit the wall behind him as he shut his eyes. 

‘‘Christ, we almost missed it’’ Gansey answered, from Ronan’s left. 

_Egeo_. Getting louder. Ronan groaned, the vibration at his throat strangely comforting, so he did it again. 

‘‘You better get those lips ready, Richard the third’’ Cheng laughed, right in front of Ronan. 

_Egeo_. It was too much. Maybe he should ask for help. He tried to open his mouth but the muscles didn’t respond. He tried to grunt or groan, but there was no air left in his lungs. 

‘‘I’m not nearly drink enough to kiss you’’ 

_Egeo_. How was it possible for a human being to feel so much pain? 

‘‘Well, I’m drunk enough to kiss you and to think about it guiltily while I’m alone with the wife’’ 

Blue laughed loudly. Gansey sounded terrified, ‘‘You don’t have a wife’’ 

_EGEO_ , the trees shouted, and continued to give a final deafening shriek. 

Suddenly everything in his head went quiet. 

Blissfully quiet.

Magically quiet.

White noise.

Statics.

And then, ‘‘...-t yet, baby’’ 

‘‘TEN!’’ The whole party yelled synchronously. Ronan tried to tune it out, desperate to have that silence again, to get a bearing of his breathing. His lungs burned as he tried to inhale. 

‘‘Aw shit, where is Adam?’’ 

He couldn’t breathe. _Blue._

‘‘We should all kiss at the same time’’ 

He couldn’t move. _Henry._

‘‘How would that even be possible?’’ 

He couldn’t scream. _Gansey, please. Anyone._

‘‘We just wiggle our tongues out as far as they go’’ 

Ronan opened his eyes in a last attempt to have control, and was, for an irrational second, euphoric that he could. He found Adam immediately, all the way across the room, his arm being pulled by an enthusiastic and very drunk girl. 

Blue noticed it too, ‘‘I guess Adam is taken care of’’ 

‘‘THREE’’, and Adam turned to the girl, his back to them, and now Ronan tried desperately, but couldn’t close his eyes. 

‘‘No! It needed to be all five of us’’ 

‘‘TWO’’ 

‘‘We’ll make do with just four’’ Blue sounded exasperated and happy. Ronan had the sudden realization that he would die and Adam wouldn’t even know. He wouldn’t see it. He wouldn’t see him. 

Gansey laughed, ‘‘I can’t believe-’’ 

‘‘ONE... Happy New Years!’’ 

In a second, four things happened at once: (1) two small hands folded up on Adam’s neck, its fingers buried in his hair; (2) Blue placed each of her hands on Ronan’s and Gansey’s shirt, pulling them forward; (3) Ronan lost his only support in an upward position; (4) Lindenmere resumed its chanting of glorious and deafening need. 

Ronan fell forwards, his body stiff as a rock, but didn’t lose consciousness even as his head hit the floor in a loud thump. 

Noise. 

So much noise that Ronan could hear nothing at all. 

And then. 

‘‘I can’t do it’’ Ronan murmured. But not this Ronan. Past Ronan. Ronan from 8 months ago. 

He was sitting beside Adam on the unkept grass of his newly bought property. Said boy was looking forward, to the darkening sky, twilight dancing on his blue beautiful eyes. He was quiet, lost in thought. 

‘‘Declan is probably having a field day’’ Ronan laughed, nervous. His brother had made a scandal when Ronan spent most of his inheritance on a piece of shit land, 500 square feet, 10 miles from the metropolitan area of Boston. 

Adam brought his legs to his chest. He looked forward for a while longer, before turning his face to Ronan, resting his cheek on his knees. ‘‘Why do you think cabeswater wants to be here?’’, his voice was soft. 

Ronan knew he was staring, and usually this was when he would look away. But there was something about Adam’s face that made him unable to move. He didn’t lie. He never lied. But he couldn’t speak the truth either. At least, not about himself. ‘‘Maybe it misses its magician’’. 

Adam smiled at that, ‘‘I missed it to’’ he whispered. Ronan wondered if he used the past tense purposively. 

‘‘But I can’t’’ 

‘‘I think you’re trying too hard to make it perfect’’ Adam wet his lips, ‘‘You just need to make it you’’ 

‘‘I am decidedly not perfect’’ Ronan laughed. 

‘‘But you are beautiful’’ Adam said, and blushed. He turned his head forwards and stared ahead. He took of his jacket and folded it into a pillow, lying back, and closed his eyes. ‘‘Can I stay with you?’’ 

Ronan couldn’t breathe. 

Ronan couldn’t _breathe_. 

‘‘Fuck, Lynch. Can you hear me?’’ A high pitch voice came, muffled, and Ronan turned his face to the sunset in front of them. 

He could see Blue’s face far away, displayed on the night sky as if the world was his movie theater. Adam sighed calmly on his side. 

‘‘He’s not breathing’’ Cheng said, but Ronan couldn’t see his face. The scenes displayed on the sky-screen were moving fast, as if the camera was being carried hastily. 

‘‘He’s bleeding’’ Blue’s strangled cry came louder, almost on Ronan’s ear. 

‘‘I’m on it’’ Gansey said. His voice controlled. 

Cheng face appeared upside down, ‘‘We need to put him down and perform mouth to mouth. He’s gonna pass out, if he hasn’t already’’ 

‘‘Adam is getting the car; he’ll be here any minute. We need to get him to lindenmere’’ Gansey’s tone was final. 

Blue argued anyway, ‘‘How do we know that’s not what’s causing this?’’ 

‘‘Adam said we need to get him there, and I trust him’’ 

Blue didn’t argue anymore. 

Silence. Shuffling of clothes and feet. And then, ‘‘There is something coming out of his eyes’’ Cheng sounded fearful. 

‘‘It’s black’’ Blue sobbed. 

‘‘Fuck’’ 

The scenes started to move faster. Ronan watched the sky-screen with interest, then he turned to the Adam on his side, who was looking up at him. This wasn’t part of the memory. This was a dream. Adam smiled softly. Ronan smiled back, but he was sad. 

He was really fucking sad. 

‘‘Adam!’’ Gansey bellowed. 

‘‘Here’’ the sound of a door opening, ‘‘carefully, please’’ he sounded like he’d been crying. 

‘‘Don’t cry’’ Ronan said, to his dream-Adam, whose smile grew. 

‘‘Can’t help it’’ 

The sky-screen showed the interior of a car. 

‘‘What the hell is going on?’’ Gansey’s voice came louder. 

‘‘I don’t know. I didn’t know it was this bad’’ Adam sobbed, ‘‘we went to lindenmere because Ronan thought that something was wrong, but the only thing I felt was cabeswater. A healthy cabeswater. It felt like Ronan, but so much more. I thought the trees were just... asking for attention. Playing with us, asking for stuff. I didn’t think anything of it, I swear’’ 

Cheng’s face came into view, much bigger than it should have been. Then it backed away. ‘‘I can’t push air into him. Every muscle on his body is stiff’’ 

‘‘Check his pulse’’ Blue whispered, as if afraid of her own words. 

‘‘He’s alive’’ Gansey said, stubbornly, and Ronan wondered if he even attempted to check. 

‘‘Almost there’’ Adam whispered. Then, louder, ‘‘Lynch, you fucking asshole. If you die, I’m gonna kill you’’ 

Ronan laughed, and dream-Adam touched his arm. When Ronan truned to him, he noticed that his beautiful face was very serious. 

‘‘Is it better to die?’’ he whispered, ‘‘Is it easier?’’ 

Ronan regarded him for a moment, sky-screen forgotten. He looked at the bony fingers wrapped around his arm and concluded that nothing in this world came close to its beauty. 

He had to say it, ‘‘I love your hands’’ 

Dream-Adam smiled, ‘‘You should say that to him’’ and his chin indicated the sky-screen. 

Ronan inhaled. And nodded. And smiled, ‘‘Alright’’ 

Dream-Adam raised his eyebrows, ‘‘Alright?’’ 

‘‘Alright’’ 

Dream-Adam moved to sit cross-legged in front of him. Ronan mirrored him. 

‘‘Alright, then’’ he smiled. Adam brought his hands up, and from the corner of his eyes, Ronan noticed real Adam doing the same thing in the sky-screen. 

‘‘Ronan’’ they both said, the synchronicity bringing a chill from the back of his head all the way to his toes, ‘‘Breathe’’ 

And then everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this was crazy. (I hope not too crazy)
> 
> New chapter in a couple of days.


	3. Quid est mea est tua

From behind closed eyelids, Ronan saw a golden light that smelled and tasted like honey. It was warm and heavy against his chest. When Ronan ran his hands through it, it was soft. 

The sun stirred, and ‘‘Ronan?’’ it said, sounding fearful. 

To be who Ronan was and still maintain his sanity, he had to be able to tell dreams from reality. He’d always been good at it, even as a boy. Reality was sober, grounded, calm and bland, whereas his dream felt nearly gravity free, as if walking on the moon. Ronan didn’t necessarily crave or fear either of them. Both could be dangerous, and both could be freeing. Adam Parrish lying on Ronan Lynch’s chest and rising to look at him with such concern, however, was enough to make him question his perceptions. 

‘‘Did I dream you?’’ He asked, genuinely curious. 

Adam widened his eyes, ‘‘No’’ 

‘‘Then why-’’ Ronan looked down at where Adam’s hand still touched his stomach. The hand stirred, but didn’t move. 

‘‘I couldn’t sleep’’ Now Adam looked angry, ‘‘I kept thinking you were dead’’ 

Oh, ‘‘Right’’ 

‘‘How are you feeling?’’ 

Ronan considered Adam’s furrowed brows, ‘‘Better than I deserve?’’ 

Adam scoffed, but shook his head, ‘‘I mean it, how are you?’’ 

Ronan took a moment to ponder. He wiggled his toes and fingers, looking down at them to make sure they responded. He took a deep breath stretching his limbs, and couldn’t help but moan at how good it felt. The hand that was touching him pressed down a little harder, and Ronan’s blush matched Adam’s almost perfectly. 

Looking away, he finally noticed where they were: lindenmere, an open glade, velvety moss beneath them. Gansey, Blue and Henry nowhere in sight. 

‘‘Where are the rest of the virgins?’’ 

Adam’s lips twitched, but he was committed to his anger, ‘‘The bans. We put you down here first and you looked so relaxed that we decided to let you rest’’ 

Ronan nodded, and in an impressive act of courage, brought his hand up to trace Adam’s knuckles. They stayed like that, and then Adam laid on his side, his body nearly touching Ronan’s, and started returning the touch. 

Ronan felt like his heart would explode. 

‘‘Did it hurt?’’ Adam whispered, and his warm breath tickled Ronan’s neck. 

‘‘A little’’ He whispered back. 

‘‘You mean a lot’’ 

‘‘I've had much worse’’, which wasn’t a lie. 

Adam laughed, ‘‘Okay, tough guy’’ 

Ronan watched as a single pink flower slowly fell from a far above branch, and settled right on the back of Adam’s hand. 

‘‘I’m so transparent’’ he murmured, mostly to himself, his stomach cold whereas every other part of his body was burning up. 

Adam inhaled deeply. 

He placed his leg on top of Ronan’s. 

Ronan inhaled deeply. He was grateful he was already lying down, otherwise he would have collapsed. 

‘‘Don’t avoid me’’ Adam’s lips moved against Ronan’s shoulder. 

Exhale, ‘‘When do I avoid you?’’ 

‘‘All the time’’ Adam raised his chin, still lying down, and Ronan looked back at him. He was so close. Too close. Adam must have felt it to, because his voice shook as he said, ‘‘you look at me for more than 5 seconds and then don’t talk to me for two weeks’’ 

Inhale. Exhale. ‘‘That’s a bold assumption. I’d have to question the causality that you established between those two variables’’ 

Adam’s lips twitched, ‘‘I have a long record of quantifiable data’’ 

Ronan let out a breathy laugh, ‘‘I see... I guess I can’t argue with science’’ 

It felt like they were stuck in a moment in time. Adam’s eyes were shining with emotions that Ronan never dared to diagnose, never felt worthy of receiving. Maybe Adam saw them reflected on Ronan’s eyes, because he said, ‘‘I don’t understand you’’. 

Ronan smiled, because he couldn’t not, ‘‘I don’t understand _you_ ’’ 

‘‘But you... _know_ me. I’m arrogant and proudful and...’’, he shook his head, looking down at himself - looking down _on_ himself. ‘‘If you knew what went on inside my head-’’ 

Ronan interrupted him, ‘‘Do you know why, whenever you’re here, in lindenmere, a bunch of flowers fall on you?’’ 

Adam’s eyes met his again, and they softened, ‘‘Because you like me’’ 

Ronan blushed, ‘‘Well, yes’’, and he felt like throwing up for finally admitting it, ‘‘But because I...’’ inhale. He swallowed around a dry throat. Then, very quietly, ‘‘You’re the sun’’ 

Wide eyed, Adam bit his lower lip. Then he bit the upper one. Then he looked at Ronan’s, probably because he ran out of lips to bite. Adam’s hand caressed Ronan’s stomach up to his chest, and they both felt the heart underneath, struggling. 

‘‘I’ll kill you if I kiss you’’ Adam whispered, looking awed, like he couldn’t believe his own power. 

‘‘You’ll kill me if you don’t’’ 

And he was already so close. When Adam exhaled, Ronan felt it on the back of his neck, all the way to the tips of his toes. He moved closer still, eyes foggy, but then he pulled back. ‘‘What if I do, though? What if lindenmere is... jealous?’’ 

Ronan took a few seconds to get his brain back online, ‘‘Is that your theory? Why you brought me here?’’ 

Adam shrugged, but just as he opened his mouth to say something, a deafening thunder echoed from deep within the forest, its vibrations impossibly strong on the ground beneath them. The sky darkened instantly, leaves and flowers turning gray as all life around them withered in dissatisfaction. 

‘‘Fuck’’ Adam whispered, maybe afraid that speaking any louder could make lindenmere even more upset. He sat up, moving away from Ronan, as little flakes of soot fell around them. Ronan tried to hold Adam’s hand harder, but Adam pulled it free. ‘‘Do you want me to go?’’ he said, and Ronan shook his head, but Adam was speaking loudly enough so that the trees could hear him. 

If Ronan’s heart had been beating hard before from fear, now if was motivated by rage. How dare this stupid peace of dirt tell them what to do? He rose to his knees, reaching for Adam’s hand again, but the boy simply got up to move further away from him. 

Adam shook his head, ‘‘I’m terrified of hurting you’’ he whispered, and it was the sweetest thing Ronan had ever heard, even if completely misguided. It started to rain; little droplets that mixed with the soot that turned the water completely black. 

Ronan opened his mouth to argue, the taste of the rain sour and distracting, but Adam was on a role, ‘‘It makes perfect sense’’, he groaned, running his hands on his face in a weak attempt to dry it ‘‘Your subconscious knows that I’m no good for you. It knows that I’m a liar, a fraud, a fucked-up friend. It... it knows that I’m broken’’ The water volume was slowly increasing, falling around them in sheets. ‘‘A sensible part of you knows that this is... that we could never-’’ 

Another thunder echoed, this time from the ground beneath them, as if Tartarus himself had had enough of Adam’s bullshit. There was a snap, a loud crack, and Ronan felt the ground opening beneath them before he could even see it. He got up and ran forwards, clasping Adam’s hand in his just as the earth swallowed them whole. 

They fell. 

They fell and it was dark and bleak and terrifying, but it didn’t last long. 

Ronan didn’t scream even when his back and hips hit the ground, but that might have been because Adam fell on top of him, pushing all air from his lungs. 

‘‘Jesus _fuck_ ’’ Adam gasped, his face against Ronan’s chest, and Ronan groaned in agreement. 

From what Ronan could see, they were in a vast cave, strangely lit in red and orange rues. The air was thick and hot, almost unbearably so. 

Adam must have realized why before Ronan did, because he said, ‘‘ _Jesus fucking fuck_ ’’ with more passion this time, his eyes wide as he scanned their perimeter. Ronan turned his face to look. 

‘‘Fucking fuck, indeed’’ he whispered, taking in the dance of waves of lava surrounding them. ‘‘We can’t be at the center of the earth’’ he said, as if that was a logical or important contribution. 

‘‘I think its rising’’ Adam whispered. Ronan looked at his beautiful wide eyes, felt his hands hugging the boy on top of him without him telling them too, and had a sudden realization. 

‘‘Adam’’ he said, calmly, frowning when Adam closed his eyes in a frown. 

‘‘You’re gonna die because of me’’ 

‘‘Adam’’ 

‘‘Because I like you’’ 

Ronan blinked, ‘‘You do?’’ 

‘‘It won’t hurt you, though. It can’t. If I just die maybe it will let you go’’ His frown turned resolute, and Ronan decided he’d had enough. 

‘‘Will you shut up for two seconds?’’ 

Adam looked down, right at his face, as if surprised he was there as well. 

Ronan scoffed, rolling his eyes, ‘‘it’s not acting this way because its jealous. It’s like this because you keep pushing me away’’ 

Just as Adam was about to argue, the waves came to a stop. Lindenmere was all ears. Ronan rolled his eyes at _it_ , this time. 

‘‘It wanted me to confess my feelings for you, I think. To...’’ Ronan blushed, ‘‘to _take_ the magician’’ 

Adam’s eyes widened as he blushed furiously. All this talk about ‘taking’ seemed to wake him to the fact that their bodies were flushed together, and Adam moved to get up. 

The waves protested, swinging higher and more furiously than before, and when Adam lowered himself again, they stopped. 

Adam shook his head, but there was a hint of mirth in his eyes, ‘‘Jesus Christ, Ronan’’ he sighed, ‘‘couldn’t you’ve just confessed your feelings like a normal person?’’ 

Ronan shrugged, ‘‘Nobody is perfect’’ 

Adam brought his hand to his face, a breathy laugh scaping his lips. Once he recovered, he moved up along Ronan’s body so their faces were properly aligned. ‘‘What about the gold and the earth?’’ 

Ronan blushed, ‘‘I think-’’ and there was a soft tinging sound beside their heads, and they both looked to see what had fallen. 

‘‘Oh’’ Adam said. Ronan could feel the heartbeat that was flushed against his own. 

‘‘Yeah’’ he murmured, as he retrieved the ring. They both looked at it for some time – Ronan was too much of a coward to look at Adam’s face – before Adam brought his left hand up to meet it. 

He breathed out a nervous laugh as Ronan placed it on his finger, ‘‘This is insane’’ he said, but his smile was the biggest Ronan had ever seen on him. 

‘‘Yeah’’ Ronan laughed too, and it seemed like his vocabulary was reduced to that now. His heart had probably stopped working half a minute ago. 

Adam looked at his hand with wonder and bewilderment, like he’d never seen it before and kind of liked it. He shook his head again, finally looking at Ronan, ‘‘And the earth?’’ he laughed. 

Ronan swallowed around the dust that had become his throat, and took a deep breath before whispering, ‘‘ _Quid est mea est tua_ ’’. They might as well had been magical words, because the lava river disappeared completely, a cool refreshing air finding its way towards them. 

Adam exhaled completely and looked around. ‘‘So lindenmere likes me?’’ 

‘‘Yeah’’ 

‘‘It doesn’t think I’m bad for you’’ 

‘‘No’’ 

‘‘And it wants to be mine, too’’ 

‘‘Yeah’’ Ronan smiled, wiggling his eyebrows, and Adam blushed. 

‘‘Not that... not that you’re mine. I’m just saying lindenmere is yours and it wants to be mine as well’’ 

‘‘Sure you are’’ 

Adam scoffed and punched his shoulder, ‘‘Shut up, husband, or you’re sleeping on the couch tonight’’ 

Ronan laughed, nearly bucking Adam off onto the floor. 

‘‘It’s not funny’’, Adam protested, outraged, holding on to Ronan’s arms for dear life, and burring his face on Ronan’s neck when he couldn’t help but laugh too. 

Ronan hugged him tight, bringing one hand up to Adam’s hair, as the other pulled the boy’s ring finger to be kissed. Adam inhaled deeply, the cool air bringing goosebumps in their wake, and returned the act with a kiss to Ronan’s neck. When Adam brought his head up just to dive in again, Ronan felt it in guts. He touched Ronan’s lips first with his tongue, parting them further. There was a shaky gasp, and Ronan couldn’t tell with certainty if he had been the one that made it. His lungs became Adam’s, and Adam’s lungs became his. 

Ronan remembered his dream. 

But it was okay, because he could tell that Adam had had a similar one. 

He moved his hands down the length of Adam’s back, and hooked his thumbs on the hem of his jeans. Adam jerked his hips down and up, and Ronan had the sudden realization that he’d been silly to ponder if this was reality or not. 

No dream could ever feel this good. 

Then, as if to contradict that thought, Ronan heard their friends calling for them from up above the cave, concern obvious in their tone, but not enough to keep Ronan from hating them. 

Adam gave a last peck on Ronan’s lips and looked at them like he was in pain, so he must have been hating them too. ‘‘I’ll die if we stop’’ he whispered, and his hips were moving like they agreed. 

‘‘We can... do more later’’ Ronan whispered, awkward, and hated their friends. 

‘‘No’’ Adam whined, and moved with passion. 

‘‘Yes’’ Ronan half laughed half groaned. 

‘‘No’’ And he dived for another kiss 

‘‘Guys! Are you down there? Are you okay’’ Gansey’s stupid voice was impossibly loud and incredibly powerful in its ability to kill the mood. 

Adam parted from Ronan’s lips with a grunt, ‘‘Can’t we kill him just because?’’ 

Ronan laughed, ‘‘A valid option’’, but yelled, ‘‘We’re here! It’s fine! We’re coming up’’ 

Adam looked at him, the twinkling in his eyes being substituted by softness, then he looked at his left hand. ‘‘Married at nineteen’’ he sighed, sounding weirdly resigned. Then he let out a breathy laugh of disbelief. He bent down for another kiss like he couldn’t get enough. 

Ronan parted his lips like he agreed, ‘‘You’re the one who’s gonna tell them’’ 

He snickered, ‘‘Like hell’’, but his tongue was too busy to argue further. 

‘‘Yep’’ 

‘‘No’’ 

‘‘Yep’’ 

Adam laughed, ‘‘Fine’’, he moved his hands to press them against the floor and get up, holding one of them out for Ronan, ‘‘But you need to explain how you almost died because you were so sexually repressed’’ 

Ronan froze, ‘‘Or we could just kill them’’ 

Adam smiled, and it was the brightest and most perfect thing Ronan had ever seen. 

He didn’t remember his dream, this time. He was too excited for all the real things to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
